Some Dreams

I just had the most scary ass dreams. I dreamt that my ex-boyfriend was doing illicit activities at this party they would have at school, activities which weren't the most serene. I also dreamt that I had this journal from when I went to UCLA that progressively went from normal/schizotypal teas to full-on schizophrenia. Like, the first entries in the journal you could read basically, and then further on in the journal it was just scribbles and lines, which I assumed were what I thought was words. I also had a dream that there was this function on TikTok that made it really easy to make mash-ups, and I was making mash-ups with sounds left and right, and Two Door Cinema Club liked one of them. And in their highlights, they had something to do with David Foster Wallace, which I live. I also had a dream that we were in court and my mom was arguing with the judge for summat reason, and I felt really anxious. 

I think this was in conjunction with the dream about my ex-boyfriend, in which I think someone else was also trying to make me feel jealous that they went to said party with him and I didn't. I feel like the prevalence of the term "rape culture" from the 2010's  is something that isn't discussed often enough, though maybe we just don't have the cultural precepts (I'm looking for a word that starts with a p, but I can't think of it) to think about it yet. I'll just say it, the parties my ex-boyfriend was attending and more or less holding were rape parties with his frat. I told you, scary dreams. And then I had a dream where I was flying with my friend ("friend") from college, and I dropped my phone, and she was like, "Don't go for your phone, you'll die. You don't want to die for your phone." So then I didn't drop down for the phone, because I thought I would die, but I kind of knew I was in a dream so I knew if I fell I would wake up anyway. Dangerous thinking, by the way. Because if you're in a real life situation and you feeling like you're dreaming, you could make the same mistake and actually die. 

But and so the next thing I knew I landed on the ground with my "friend", and then I immediately woke up, like I knew I would when I touched the ground. I woke up feeling really scared and irritated and irked. I dunno. And then I think I had a dream with my dad that left me feeling equally drained of my brain juices (you know that feeling where you feel like your entire head feels like a TV monitor full of static? Or like a black hole? I can't describe it, and I wish I had better powers of description, like David Foster Wallace did. It's like that feeling where, and I'm feeling it right now sorta, you maybe just feel dehydrated, your brain just feels sort of drained and thumped. I think I would describe the feeling most aptly as "terror". It's that feeling where your mind sorta just goes blank and what fills it is a black darkness, sort of like a sludge, but also sort of like a static. Ughhh, I feel like the more I describe it the further away it gets from me. So I'm going to stop.)

But even if I don't remember exactly the dream I had with my dad, I woke up feeling that he really invalidated my tea, especially this time around. For one thing, he kept saying "make sure to help your mom", which is ironic, because he goes back to China for most of the year, and when he is here, he's not exactly the most helpful person. And I help as much as I can, by doing the laundry, unloading the dishwasher, cooking breakfast (most days), cooking lunch (sometimes), cooking dinner (sometimes), and by wheeling myself around everywhere and showering on my own. The main hindrance to our life together is the fact that I still have this pressure sore which developed on my butt almost two years ago (???), and she has to change my bandages like multiple times a day. That, and the fact that she has to drive me everywhere and haul my wheelchair around everywhere, because I can't drive, and I can't get the wheelchair into the car by myself. Or can I...? 

I really wish I could drive. I think one option is to install hand controls into the car, which I think you can do for under $200 with hand controls from Amazon. My main fear is that I won't do it right and it won't be safe. But how unsafe could a product with thousands of reviews be? It seems like a legitimate thing. And then there's the fact that my mom doesn't want me driving around anywhere, like she doesn't want me to exactly have that freedom. Which I can understand. She doesn't fully trust me with that sort of freedom, anyway. (Ugh I just went back to sleep for like two hours but not because I was tired, just because I was cold!!! >,< Still got up earlier than I did most days though, so that's a plus). 

I'm also trying to quit coffee, and nicotine. Well, all drugs. I was also going to wax poetic on my notion that I think drugs and mental health are co-dependent. Which might seem like an obvious notion, like if you're more depressed, you might drink coffee. But I also feel like more hard core drugs and hard core mental illnesses like schizophrenia are co-identical or like co-occurring. I think it is unfair to necessarily say that one is necessarily caused by the other. I feel like people with mental illnesses are more likely to do drugs, and people who are on drugs are more likely to suffer from mental illnesses. It sounded more deep I n my head. This I think is another thing that I think I might need some more time to articulate. 

But, for now, that's all I wanted to write on my blog for today. I think this is already getting a little long. So bye.