Revisiting Caffeine

* * * 

It's true, caffeine is a socially sanctioned addiction that is more pervasive than any other addiction. 

I've been reading through r/decaf and going through my own ups and downs when it comes to caffeine and /or coffee and my present presentiments about it. On the night before Christmas, I prayed to G-d to release me from the grasp of caffeine, and on Christmas, I spent my first day in a long time without caffeine. I didn't even drink decaf coffee that day. 

And I'm not even going to lie, I did not have a very tea day that day. I mean, I didn't even have tea! I think I pretty much spent the whole day lying on the couch in the room adjacent to the backyard door, with the sunlight streaming in through the plexiglass (?)--I think it's more like plexiplastic--door and with me lying on the brown couch alternating between consciousnesses. It wasn't my first time in recent memory doing this--sleeping all through the day, but I think it was my first time in recent memory doing so without drinking any form of coffee or tea. I believe I did drink Trader Joe's hot chocolate at night, which apparently has like 9 mg of caffeine--but I just remember reading in r/decaf and seeing that they don't even eat chocolate, and I thought to myself, Seriously? I can't do that.. . 

So it's been two days since I first stopped drinking coffee/tea (ok I might still eat chocolate...like come on? I can't be that ascetic.. .) and now it is the third day that I am not drinking coffee...the 27th of December, 2025. 

* * *

It's now December 30th as I'm typing this right now. I succeeded in not drinking coffee or any form of caffeine from December 25th-December 28th, a total of four days, and then on the fifth day, December 29th, I drank a matcha latte because I went to Solvang with my family, and come on, we were on vacation! And then today, of course, on the 30th, I drank a bit of green tea. Hair of the dog, you know. 

I do think that part of the reason why I now have cystic acne is because I was drinking caffeine while I was on bedrest for my pressure sore. There is a term in addiction recovery-speak, which is "reservations". Like, before you go on to step two or three (out of the twelve steps), you are supposed to let go of any reservations you have about your addiction. Like any situations where you would still let yourself use, or any feelings of further attachment you have to your addictive substance.

And I feel like I still have reservations about drinking coffee or tea/matcha. I still think to myself, can't I still buy a caffeinated beverage when I'm out at a café or at a boba shop? Can't I still afford myself that little bit of indulgence? Even though that's obviously still drinking caffeine. The other day, when I was on my second or third day of no caffeine, instead of getting the sea salt coffee with boba which I usually got, I ascetically got a "caramel snowstorm" which was essentially just milk, ice, and copious amounts of caramel drizzle, which was of questionable health benefits compared to the sea salt coffee I could've gotten. I still think about that sea salt coffee...

* * *

The thing about caffeine is that there's no guilt to it. It's not like other addictions where there's an element of social shame, of guilt to it. Caffeine seems perfectly OK socially, something you do to exist as a cog within the capitalist machine, sputtering and running on fumes, the fumes of coffee. It doesn't matter if you say you're going to quit drinking caffeine, because caffeine is just around every corner. 

I admit that the real reason why I wanted to quit caffeine was for selfish reasons. I just thought, my most actual productive time in my life was sophomore year of high school, and that was before I started drinking coffee daily. And I think that one time I drank coffee during that year was what caused me to spiral quite rapidly. And beyond being the most productive that year, I was also the most in love I ever was that year. I had like three major crushes on three different boys (or was it two?), and I remember waking up to the feeling of their arms around my waist in bed and just feeling so in love. 

Then I got a tattoo on the spot where I used to feel their arms around me, and I started drinking coffee. Like every single day. I remember I would go to Starbucks every morning and buy a tall black coffee, then the 50c refill. So my selfish reason for quitting coffee is because I want to feel as in love as I did when I was a teenager. My theory is that through years of caffeine intake I blocked off my ability to feel those feelings so intensely. But maybe I'll never love as bravely as I was when I was 16 again. I still get those feelings of course, but it's much smaller in magnitude than it was before. I think I subconsciously did this because it was too painful to keep feeling those feelings and have no way to act on them. It was always just a crush, something parasocial, something impossible. But now with more maturity I can see that such things are not impossible, just hard to come by. 

* * *

This is the first time I'm posting on my blog in a long-ass time. I was on bedrest from June-September, and then from September-December I was busy with school and applying to graduate schools. I hope to write more on my blog in the coming year, 2026. I kind of slipped off the second half of 2025, I know. Please follow for more.