Against Medication Stigma

1 David Foster Wallace's untimely death

One of my favorite writers, if not my favorite writer, David Foster Wallace, ultimately killed himself because he went off antidepressants. At least, as is always is the case in cases of suicide, the events leading up to the suicide itself is shrouded in a black cloak of mystery, but when I googled it, the AI result (I know, I know) said that basically the reason David Foster Wallace went off his medication was because there were concerns with side effects, and the reason he killed himself was because he went off his medication. At the very least, he was off his medication when he killed himself, so it leads people (at least me) to speculate that he killed himself because he was off his medication. 

And this is believable, at least to me. Before I started the lithium, which I am on now, I was experiencing suicidal thoughts at an alarming rate. It was actually extremely alarming. I would have what I called "anxiety attacks" like every three to five days, and during these "anxiety attacks" (I don't know if they were really anxiety attacks at this point, but that's what I called them) I would experience extremely intrusive thoughts telling me I should do something that everyone around me, myself included, would probably regret. And the thoughts were extremely loud at times. I am extremely surprised and grateful that I actually survived this difficult period in my life, because I was truly going through it, as they say. It was very difficult. 

So I--not to compare myself to David Foster Wallace, who Rest in Prayer has died too early--can understand why DFW died when he was off his medication. The medication truly can help. I don't know how it helps, but it helps. At least for me, even when I do have an anxiety attack, the suicidal thoughts have gone way down. I don't know how this shit works, but it does. And I am grateful for it. Truly Rest in Prayer to DFW, he was gone too early. Like David Lynch said, I don't think he was great because of his mental illness, but the writing was the only thing that probably brought him happiness, or hope. And when that ran out, and the medication ran out, he was at the end of his rope, so to speak. 

2 My recent struggles with court/my probation officer/my therapist/my psychiatrist

So...something that happened recently is that I told my therapist that I was hearing voices, which resulted in a meeting with my psychiatrist, which resulted in me having to go back to court, which in tandem meant I had to go see my probation officer more frequently, with my lawyer also seeming concerned. Basically, everyone was extremely concerned about the voices. 

But even though it was really tough and excruciatingly frustrating going through this process, now that I am out of it and can see the workings of the psycho-legal system with some hindsight, I am grateful for everyone involved. Even though I ultimately decided to switch therapists and psychiatrists, I still felt that their actions--letting the court know about my bad intrusive thoughts--were a cautionary measure that was not only helpful and conscientious, but also legally necessary. They were trying to help me from a human standpoint, but also from a legal, systematic standpoint. They were obliged to make sure that nothing happened to me or the people around me. 

I had an encounter with the legal system because of my mental health issues. I broke the law, and now I must follow the steps to get back into society and be a good member of society. Because of this, I am obliged to follow the steps as they present themselves when I am in the psychological legal system. The mental health system is part of the legal system, so to speak. And--this may be obvious to some, but it has only become apparent to me as I am going through this process--the legal system works to create a good and safe environment for people in society. There is such a thing called common good, and I believe the system--psychological, legal--serves to protect that common good and sustain it and make it better for future generations. It is established, but it is also always improving through the people who go through it and the people who are authorities in it. 

3 Psychiatry can actually help mental illnesses

I am now of the standpoint that psychiatry and psychology can actually help mental illness, but especially psychiatry. If you are on the right medication(s), you can actually be helped a lot. At least, I was, in my own experience, extremely aided by the lithium that I'm taking. The "voices" have gone away for the most part, and even when I do hear them, they aren't so intense, like commanding me to do something that I really don't want to do. I don't have to white-knuckle grip on life anymore and hang by a thread. I feel like I have more of a grasp on what it feels like to be a normal human being. And I think that's definitely a good thing. 

Basically, even though going through the mental health court thing is not the most fun thing in the world, I can understand and see how the system works to make life better for people in general. I am going through the process right now, and I have no choice but to respect the choices that befall me, and take the consequences of my own actions. 

Of course, I also need to forgive myself for what I did. But I feel like the process of going through the court system is sort of in a way a processing of grief and forgiveness from the system. So I need to go through it well and be good.     

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